writers block

Writers block makes me crazy. Who came up with that term anyway? Ugh.

After writing three blog posts a week for the past eighth months, it's no surprise that I've run out of ideas. Guess what? I think I've finally run out of ideas. After all, I'm writing a post about writers block. How much more lame could I get?

I've heard that a true writer never gets writers block. Whoever said that was just trying to beat the system. It's like a cold. No matter how much medicine you take, you can only ride out the wave of writers block.

Just wait, as soon as school gets out and posts are no longer mandatory, I'll have endless ideas. Because that's just the way life works.

Something Amazing

Life has been pretty crazy lately. I always have something that I NEED to do. Tonight that something was band practice. A necessity because we perform (for the second time!) on Tuesday and have only practiced this set of songs once. As I was trying to get the strum pattern down for God of this City I was looking around our totally awesome band room and thought about how "not me" this was. I  mean, playing in a band in front of people. We've already talked about how I don't do anything in front of people. I prefer to sit at my computer and write about the world while everyone else enjoys it.

I've been doing a lot of crazy things lately, such as training for a half-marathon, joining a band, allowing my room to get cluttered . . . you know, not normal. I just think that maybe the reason I'm doing all or these outside-of-the-box stuff is because I'm trying to do something significant before I graduate high school. I want to be remembered. I want everyone to see my name and be like "Oh yeah, her. She is totally awesome!"

But you know what? All of this trying to be "totally awesome" is totally wearing me out. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely l-o-v-e band, and I couldn't imagine not training, but like my room, it's kind of cluttering up my life. Trying to do everything myself can be too much. That's what prayer is for, right?

I hope she doesn't mind me sharing this. On our way home from band practice my friend and I were talking about our faith, about how God has worked in our lives since we've known each other. Freshman year, she and I were in volleyball together. As the story goes, she asked me why I never said "Oh my god." When I told her it was because I thought it was wrong to take the Lord's name in vain, she continued to ask me why I didn't say "oh my gosh." Apparently I replied that my father simply wouldn't allow it. I don't remember having this conversation, but my friend shared with me that was the reason she stopped saying those phrases. This was before she became a Christian.

In that moment I realized it's not important to be remembered. It's important that God is remembered. We don't have to be something amazing because God is something amazing. Totally awesome, amazing God, and I thank Him that I don't have to be amazing on my own.

Positive Exercise

We all love a good exercise, at least I would hope. You know those exercises that make you feel on top of the world? You could conquer anything! Especially while training, these are the days that keep me going. Every time I overcome another mile, I know that I can do anything I put my mind to.

We have also all had those moments when we felt like we would collapse if we took another step. Everything we do is not good enough. Sometimes I get home from a six mile run and feel like I didn't push myself hard enough; I could always be faster, I could always run more. This is ridiculous. After doing something HEALTHY for your body, after making yourself STRONGER, you still feel like it wasn't enough. Truth is . . . if you pushed yourself to the max every single day all you would be doing is wearing yourself out. I had to learn this the hard way when I began training. I hadn't run for at least a year, and I stepped onto that treadmill the first day of January with the goal to run three miles. Ha. That didn't happen, which just discouraged me. Start small. Build up. Don't push yourself to the max all the time because then you'll just be worn out all the time. Six miles is a lot. I've let myself think that six miles isn't actually that far in so that I'll be able to run ten miles without thinking it's that far. If that makes any sense. I was surprised when talking to one of my friends that he was impressed that I had run six miles. Then I realized that a long run/bike/swim/etc. is anything that is long FOR YOU. 

I kind of let myself go off on a tangent. 

Where was I? Oh yes, it's ridiculous to be unhappy with yourself after you exercise. It's like praying and then regretting it. Don't belittle your accomplishments! You are amazing and strong. I often come home from a long run and find myself looking in the mirror in disgust. This is fat "thinking" and it does not belong in your head. 

I was running with eighth graders today. They're training for a 10K (six miles), which is totally awesome! I did the same program when I was in eighth grade and it taught me not only how to exercise, but how to keep up my endurance and how to be healthy. Anything is possible if you put your mind to it. Anyway, a couple of the kids were struggling, saying how after the race was over they never wanted to run again. Which is all good and fine. Every man for himself. You have to find exercise that fits you. But how much harder does it make it to continue something you hate if you're constantly telling yourself you hate it? 

In order to counteract this thinking, I pray during my runs. I get out there, find that I don't have the strength to push myself forward, and start praying to God. Before I know it, I've run my mileage for the day and can be proud of my ability and God's ability to work in me. I'm not going to lie to you. Running isn't my favorite thing in the world. But it is something that I'm proud of. 

As I'm writing this I'm thinking about school and how I'm always complaining about how much I hate Chemistry and Algebra II. Endurance isn't just for exercise. You use endurance in everything you do. For instance, sometimes I have writers block and have to "endure" to meet the requirements for my AP Lang class. Sometimes we have to build up our endurance for subjects such as Chemistry. I would just like to take this moment to apologize to those I've complained to this week. From now on I will absolutely "adore" Chemistry. As my sixth grade teacher always said, "Fake it till you feel it." 

To wrap it up: don't get down on yourself because you had a hard day. Don't give up because of a bad test grade or a difficult, painful run. You are more than you know! God can work miracles in you, but you have to believe in yourself and "fake it till you feel it."

Training

I officially have exactly four weeks left of my half-marathon training program. Talk about crazy! I know I've said this before, but if you would have told me six months ago that I would be running ten miles, I would have laughed in your face and then gone to sit down and eat a chocolate bar.

I had a really great run today. After talking three days off (busy, busy, busy!) I was expecting a little big of stiffness and a whole lot of complaining. I feel like I've kind of been slacking off. For instance: on Wednesday instead of running six miles I only ran four. Can you say slacker? In my defense, I had just eaten five too many doughnut holes.

Am I nervous for the race? Definitely. I'm not so much afraid that I won't be able to finish as I am afraid that I won't finish in time. I'm not the fastest runner. My average is ten minute miles. But hey, someone's got to come in last, am I right? Another thing, my parents are both supposed to be out of town that weekend, but I know I can count on my friends to be there By the way, it starts at seven in the morning. Good luck with that!

And It Continues

Last night I had a dream . . . I was looking in the mirror and applying make-up for the first time in weeks. When I looked at the finished reflection I realized that I didn't like the way my mascara looked. I began to scrub it off, but it wouldn't wash off and I began to cry because I realized that I liked myself better natural than "fake."

I believe that everything you dream about has a purpose. I dreamed about make-up because yesterday was the last day of my no make-up challenge. The Beautiful Face Project was a success. The beginning of the week was rough. Many times was asked why I wasn't wearing make-up. A few girls told me that I was brave because they wouldn't have the courage to go without make-up. That kind of made me sad, but even a week before I had thought the same thing.

It isn't really about courage. Natural is beautiful and it has been for thousands of years. We weren't born with the ability to apply make-up; it's something you learn. At the beginning of the week I had to remember to trust God. We are created in His image, and we are beautiful. If we believe the lies that we aren't pretty or good enough without make-up, the newest brand of clothing, etc. then we're telling God that He's wrong. That He isn't enough. Make-up-less, that's the way God created me and He sees me as beautiful. 

1 Samuel 16:7 says, "But the Lord said to Samuel, 'Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.'" (Note: God was talking about Samuel choosing a king to lead His people, but I think it works for everyday beauty too!)

I realize that a week isn't much time to really change your mind about something. At first, I was just doing this for my eighth grade girls. But as I began to see myself for who God sees me as, I saw that I didn't need the make-up to be beautiful. Beauty isn't about your outward appearance, it's about your personality. It's about how you treat your friends. It's about your relationship with God. 2 Corinthians 4:16 says, "So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day." The most important part of beauty is your heart. If God is in control and is the Lord of our lives, we don't have to worry about being seen as "ugly." 

After three years of wearing make-up, I always feel pretty self conscience when I go without. When I'm in a hurry I usually make sure to at least put on mascara. Towards the end of the week, though, I realized that make-up doesn't make me someone else. I'm still me, with or without it. What everyone else thinks - that doesn't matter, because what matters is your opinion of yourself.

One of my expectations was that I would return to my old habits of applying make-up everyday. After my dream last night I realize this isn't true. I debated upon whether or not to wear make-up today but decided to wear make-up to bring a sort of "closure" to my week. From now on I'm going to have No Make-Up Wednesdays. I think it's good to have one day a week to "be yourself." I just don't want to forget that I am beautiful without it; make-up is not a necessity. 

If  you're reading this and thinking that you could NEVER go without make-up, I'd say you're someone who needs to do it the most. So that I wouldn't be tempted to apply any foundation or anything I woke up ten minutes later every day this week than I normally do. JUST DO IT! Don't think about it because then you'll change your mind. You are strong, and beautiful, and confident. Let The Beautiful Face Project continue. 

Natural Beauty

I woke up on Sunday morning not at all excited to go to church without make-up. I didn't feel pretty. I didn't want to dress up, which if you know me at all you know that dressing up, especially on Sundays, is my thing. I forced myself to put on a skirt, sprayed a little perfume, and walked out the door.

Throughout the day I questioned why I was doing this little project. Why does it matter if I wear make-up? Then again, why does it matter if I don't? If I feel comfortable without make-up on, which I should, because it's NOT NATURAL, then why should I continue to wear it? But I feel lazy without it. Which is another reason to do this. Not applying make-up doesn't mean your lazy. I just have to get that from my head to my heart. Besides, I got an extra fifteen minutes of sleep.

I am proud to say that I made it through my first day with out make-up! My friends are all very supportive of me, even though I'm trying to guilt trip them into joining me for at least one day this week. Honestly, I don't expect to get much out of this week. And I do feel bad about that.

Expectations: I'm trying to take super good care of my skin this week. You know, give my face a breather from foundation and what not. Since I don't normally wear make-up on Saturdays (what's the point if all you do is go to Wal-Mart?) It doesn't feel that crazy for me to go to school without make-up. Of course, I say that now. After this week, I'll probably go back to my habit of applying make-up daily. I don't feel like I wear that much in the first place; just foundation and mascara, and occasionally blush and lipgloss. We'll see what happens!

Currently, it's Monday afternoon. I have successfully gone a full school day without make-up on. This is a first. I felt more independent for some reason. Maybe because I don't feel like I'm giving into what society sees as beautiful? However, I couldn't imagine giving up my make-up indefinetely.

The Beautiful Face Project

I had the most amazing opportunity last night.

I was able to lead a Bible study for eighth grade girls on true beauty.

I don't think I could even begin to describe how nervous I was. I've had sort of a "falling out" with my inner beauty topic, and when I was asked to do this I wasn't sure how it would go. I did a lot of praying and a lot of looking for Bible verses to go along with my topic. I wrote down every little word I was going to say in order to remember all of my points. You might not have noticed, but I am a TON better at writing than I am at public speaking.

This girls were so cool! (YOLO) I've worked with them before in a junior leadership program and I was so amazed at the depth of their faith in God. I was definitely not that confident when I was fourteen. They have such a love for God and for others. I know they're going to be such a light when they go into high school in the fall.

I began with the verse Proverbs 31:30, which says, "Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." I wanted to get across that before anything we must have a heart for God in order that our "inner self is being renewed day by day" (2 Corinthians 4:16). I shared with them the Beauty Redefined catch phrases: "You are capable of much more than being looked at." "There is more to be than eye candy." "If beauty hurts, we're doing it wrong." and "Your reflection does not define your worth."

And then I brought up the term "fat talk." Fat talk is defined as an expected behavior for women to participate in to "earn" compliments, express emotions, seek social reassurance, and excuse eating behaviors (Boyle, Operation Beautiful).

I wasn't sure how they would react to that. I know some people just accept it as normal to fat talk, but these girls were so willing to listen. 1 Samuel 16:7 says, "For God sees not as man sees, for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."

We had great discussions about how society wants us to believe that we aren't beautiful. This is a lie. It not only challenges the Bible, but it makes us question God's Will in our lives. I challenged them to all go a day with out make-up, stop fat talk and hold each other accountable when they do fat talk, and believe that they are beautiful, no matter what.

I wasn't expecting such awesome feedback when they quickly decided that they were going to go a WHOLE ENTIRE WEEK WITHOUT MAKE-UP!!  Beginning on Sunday. I myself have been talking about going without make-up since I began this thing and I haven't had enough courage to do it. So I promised them that I would do it with them. No make-up. Sunday through Saturday. The reason I'm writing about this? Is so that all of you know to hold me accountable. I cannot wait! I'm calling this:

The Beautiful Face Project

Won't you join me in an ENTIRE WEEK of natural beauty? 

Beauty isn't only our reflection in a mirror. It's the essence of who we are. If we decide that we're having a bad day based on our reflection, that isn't beautiful. Visa versa. When we fix our eyes on God's view of beauty, it's so much easier to find beauty within ourselves. 

Note: I kind of got my idea from these women. Aren't they amazing?

Run the Race

"You came to see a race today. To see someone win. It happened to be me. But I want you to do more than just watch a race. I want you to take part in it. I want to compare faith to running in a race. It's hard. It requires concentration of will, energy of soul. You experience elation when the winner breaks the tape - especially if you've got a bet on it. But how long does that last? You go home. Maybe you're dinner's burnt. Maybe you haven't got a job. So who am I to say, "Believe, have faith," in the face of life's realities? I would like to give you something more permanent, but I can only point the way. I have no formula for winning the race. Everyone runs in her own way, or his own way. And where does the power come from, to see the race to its end? From within. Jesus said, 'Behold, the Kingdom of God is within you. If with all your hearts, you truly seek me, you shall ever surely find me.' If you commit yourself to the love of Christ, then that is how you run a straight race." -Eric Liddell, Chariots of Fire

Running For Jesus

Hey ya'll! It's been a long time since I've written. Maybe you didn't miss me, but I sure did miss writing. These past two weeks have been pretty hectic. I mean, I THINK I had Spring Break somewhere in there, but it kind of got lost amongst the homework, working, and training.

Speaking of training, have any of you began something on a whim, and later realized that you didn't particularly enjoy pushing yourself to the extreme in that area? Yeah, I enjoy running. But only on a good day. Which hasn't been for a while. To catch you up: Three weeks ago, I ran my first nine miles. Which was amazing. The week after, I ran ten miles. That ended up being just as amazing as nine. It's those midweek runs that kill me. You know, the "shorter," recovery runs that you go out thinking you're going to conquer the world and you come back with sweat pouring down your face along with a tear or two. Either that or you go out dreading a run and come back with endorphins pumping into your blood stream and you feel as if you could do ten things at once. That happens a lot too.

Take Saturday, for instance.

Since I'm taking the ACT next weekend, I wasn't able to run at my regular Saturday run time (eight o'clock). Instead, I took three hours out of my morning to do horrible math equations that I haven't learned yet while I listened to a teacher "dumb-down" the problems in order that we absorb everything we needed to. Back to running. After my ACT prep, my family went out to lunch. I ordered pasta. Before a run. Maybe not the smartest decision on my part. I've been having a lot of ankle pain lately, so we went to an athletics store to look at new tennis shoes for moi. I was hesitant at first because of the price, but I knew that if I was going to finish this thing I needed to not injure myself. So I bought the shoes. Which, I thought, would encourage me to run that afternoon. Until it began raining.

For those of you who have run in the rain, it really is awesome. But it's the getting started that's hard. I have a really hard time motivating myself and all I wanted on Saturday was sunshine and warmth to accompany me. But I forced myself out onto the trail anyway. In my beautiful new running shoes that were getting soaked with mist. I knew that if I was going to keep my mind occupied I needed something to do - other than run, of course. So I began singing songs. But that makes you breathless pretty quickly. Imagine: some crazy blonde, singing to herself at the top of her lungs, running like a maniac in the rain. Funny picture? Pretty much.

Running gives you a lot of time to think. I know a few runners who like to talk to God while they run. Honestly, I've had a pretty hard time connecting with the God-man lately and I knew that if I tried to pray in my head I would get sooo distracted. So I just began talking to him like I would if one of my friends had been running beside me. I recently have had a hard time knowing what to pray for. So as I was talking to Jesus, I just began thanking him for everything. My new running shoes. The rain. The fact that a teacher is willing to sit down with students and help them study for the ACT. My ability to run ten miles. Then I began praying for the people in my life; the ones who encourage me, and those who need the Lord. And I prayed for myself. For my decisions and that I will have integrity to know what He wants me to do. During this time I realized, not only that I've been negligent in my walk with God, but I'm running for the wrong reason, for myself, when who I needed to be running for was God.

Before I knew it, my run was over, but God's presence was with me. And He can "run" with you too if you ask Him.